My last blog post was entitled Movement. That was in April. It is now June and there has been no movement except for the fact that I now know I am number #4 in the long line of dossiers waiting for approval at the Rwandan Ministry.
My dossier wait time now stands at 10 long months. When we first started the process, the dossier wait time was 3-5 months. I have now doubled that.
I haven’t posted for awhile because it is very hard to put into words the depth of feelings that I have at any given time. I swing between extremes: sadness to irritation to extreme impatience to a whatever, whenever attitude. Now, granted, my whatever, whenever attitude probably isn’t the best, but I think it helps me to be able to live and be productive with my family that I now have; otherwise, adoption thoughts would consume me.
In my rational head, I know this is all in God’s timing. I know God can work even bad situations into good things. I know God knows the number of hairs on my little boy’s head.
In my irrational head, I am irritated and annoyed. I know this has carried over into my life in other areas. I get agitated easier now.
This is so much harder than I thought. I know he will be worth the wait, but I just wonder how much longer am I going to have to wait.
Oh Sherry my heart breaks for you and I will be praying for your heart to be completely at rest In God’s hands.
I know all too well of the long wait when our dossier was finally sent to China in August 2006 and at the time the referral wait had gone from six months to twelve. In the next year of waiting we saw it double once again and by 2008 we were considering SN children. We finally received a referral for Lydia in January 2009 and now we have had her home with us for over a year.
If we were still on the healthy child list we would still be waiting and probably would have another two-three years of waiting!!! I cannot fathom that!! There are some families who have chosen to remain on that list but I know I would have fainted!!!!
I do not know you personally but I can so relate and I can honestly feel your pain. There were days when I felt I could not make it anymore. I felt as though adoption consumed me and it was so out of my control. However, there were moments when God reminded me how He waits and waits for those who are not in His family to come into salvation, to come to Him and it takes years!! Like you I also knew that His time was perfect but it still felt so hard. My husband, the Pastor, like yours, had such a better perspective and he was an encouragement to me at times but other times he did not fully understand the depths of my heart. I made many friends through the world of blogging and discovered that I was not alone. It was comforting to know that. You are not alone. Not only do you have your Lord as you know, but there are many others waiting who share your heart of anguish as you wait, not knowing when the promise will be fulfilled. But remember that the promise will come just as it did for Abraham and Sarah and God will bring that referral of your son into your arms. And seriously, before you know, you shall be in Rwanda, HOLDING him in your arms!!!
Praying for His grace to carry you through!!
praying and waiting and hoping (and being impatient sometimes!) with you…
Naomi and Allie are so right- we are with you. I understand the frustration with the uncertainty and the pain of waiting. You are not alone! I am thinking and praying for you.